Nothing I've Become
by Ryeloza
Summary: Sequel to Alone, Eternally.  Cole has a plan to get his life, and Phoebe, back.  Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing related to _Charmed_. I also have nothing to do with the fabulous song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence.

**A/n:** Here it is! The somewhat-long-awaited sequel to _Alone, Eternally_. I honestly wasn't sure I would ever actually write _this_ story (I was planning to address Cole in my longer story, _Destined_, and still will when I continue it), but I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I wrote parts of the first chapter a couple of months ago, but then I lost patience with it. Earlier today I thought, "Well, perhaps I'll write the end of the story first," and once I did the rest came naturally. So really, I wrote part of chapter one, chapter three, chapter four, chapter two and then the rest of chapter one. Hopefully it's still cohesive.

I would recommend reading _Alone, Eternally_ first, although it may not be necessary to understand this.

This will be updated quickly, since I really have the entire story written and only have to do editing.

I hope everyone enjoys this as much as _Alone, Eternally_. I have a third part to this story planned. Maybe it won't take me a year to write it, though. Yes, I'm laughing too.

_Katie_

**Setting:** July 2007

**Nothing I've Become**

a story by **Ryeloza**

sequel to **Alone, Eternally**

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors  
Leading you down into my core  
Where I've become so numb without a soul  
__My spirit sleeping somewhere cold  
Until you find it there and lead it back home_

-Evanescence, "Bring Me to Life"

For a long time, Cole had blamed everyone except himself for his and Phoebe's relationship failing. This wasn't hard to do, as he was utterly convinced that he had done everything right at the time of his death. Insanity did have its upside, after all.

He began by faulting Piper and Paige. They had poisoned Phoebe's mind against him. They planted seeds of doubt. They whispered into Phoebe's ear that he was a no good, hapless, worthless demon who would never change. They hated him, and they made Phoebe hate him too. He even threw some of this blame to Prue, who had never liked him, and had made sure that Phoebe knew it. Who cared that she was buried over a year ago?

Eventually, he found himself unable to blame the sisters in such a direct way. Trapped in the manor, memories came back to him unbidden. Piper telling Paige of all the good he had done to help them. Paige finding Cole when Phoebe had been turned into a mermaid because Paige knew they still loved one another. Even Prue, reluctantly pulling him into the category of an innocent so many years ago. And he remembered that he had occasionally protected Prue, Piper and Paige, though on Phoebe's behalf more-so than because of any personal caring he might have had (particularly when it came to Paige, who he had never managed to get along with even remotely). But he had also, he realized vaguely, tried to kill them of his own free will, not under the influence of Belthazor or the Source or any other demonic spawn. So maybe their determination to expel him permanently from their lives wasn't completely out of a grudging hate (at least on Piper's part).

So he'd moved on to blaming Phoebe.

Phoebe, his beloved, had given up on him. She hadn't given him another chance. She'd never listened to an explanation or forgiven him or allowed him back into her heart. She had driven him into desperate action and blamed him for every little thing that went wrong in her life.

She'd abandoned him after all he had done for her.

But after time, he couldn't blame Phoebe any more either; at least not completely. If he had just given her space, time to clear her head...

These thoughts, the vicious blame game, had haunted him for a very long time as he morosely haunted the manor. Even once he found other things to occupy his time–plotting to do, meddling to plan, children to entertain him–the anxious thoughts that he somehow could have prevented his fate lurked beneath the surface.

Then, two months ago, everything had changed.

In the course of one short day, he'd discovered that Phoebe had doubts about her marriage, might still have feelings for him, and could possibly give him a second chance if he suddenly materialized. The hope that bubbled within him that day was dwindled by Piper's self-righteous blathering that she couldn't tell Phoebe where he was, but it had not gone away entirely. Because he had something other than the Charmed Ones to rely on for once. He had Wyatt.

Piper, of course, would go into convulsions once she learned what Cole had done, but Cole figured another chance with Phoebe was worth whatever horror Piper would put him through for using her son.

Generally, Cole liked long term plans. They were safer and had less chance of failing if every kink was worked out. But this time he felt as though he were working on a tighter schedule and the plan he had come up with seemed likely to fall apart in a moment's notice.

The first thing he had decided was that he would need to come back when Piper and Leo were out of the house for an extended period of time. At present, Piper's difficult pregnancy had confined her nearly full time to the house. The only opportunity he could see that would allow him enough time to be alone with Wyatt would be when Piper went into labor. Of course, Victor was supposed to watch the kids, but this didn't concern him as much. Victor had no fire power, for one thing. He also didn't hover as Piper and Leo did. _No one_ hovered as unnecessarily as Piper and Leo, and with them out of the way, Cole thought he could get out of the house unnoticed.

The problem his deadline presented was that he only had two months at most to gain Wyatt's trust and cooperation. This, of course, was the crucial part of the plan.

Wyatt, as far as Cole could tell, could not see him, but he knew that Wyatt could hear him. He had been the one to encourage Wyatt to heal Piper on the day Piper had joined him in his personal hell. That, Cole thought, could only be an advantage. Surely Wyatt must already trust him slightly.

A week after Phoebe had indirectly made her doubts known to him, Cole had sat down in between Wyatt and Chris in their bedroom and purposefully joined in the fun. Wyatt was attempting to build something out of blocks, but he never got very far because Chris kept destroying the structure, taking pleasure in knocking over the blocks and stomping on them.

"Stop it, Chris!" whined Wyatt for the third time.

"Again!" cried Chris, ignorant to his brother's wishes.

And that was when Cole struck.

"Wyatt," he said, and Wyatt turned to look cautiously at the direction of the voice. "Wyatt, do you remember me?"

"No," said Wyatt, disheartening Cole only slightly. He supposed it was natural that Wyatt wouldn't remember an invisible man he had spoken to once over two years previously. Stubbornly, Wyatt went back to building his tower, only to have Chris knock it down again, gleeful in his triumph.

"Wyatt, I can help you with Chris," he said.

Wyatt looked interested, but didn't say anything. He simply made another failed attempt.

"So make him stop!" said Wyatt, glaring at Chris as he kicked a red block across the room.

"You can make him stop," said Cole. "Tell him that it will be more fun to knock over the blocks if you build it higher. Maybe you could let him help you build it."

Wyatt seemed to accept this more graciously than Cole expected. Perhaps he had siphoned Prue's elder sibling tendencies from somewhere, because he didn't seem to have a problem sharing. Or maybe that preschool Piper was raving about really had made a difference. In any case, Wyatt said, "Why don't you help me build the tower, Chris? Then we can knock it down together."

Soon both boys were occupied in building the tower, and Cole was forgotten in the background. It was a start, though, and Cole soon made a regular habit of joining the boys when they were playing by themselves. He'd told Wyatt to call him Mr. Sillypants in hope that if Wyatt mentioned another imaginary friend, the name would alleviate the idea that it was anything more than a four-year-old's concoction.

Playing imaginary friend and guide to a four-year-old lost its charm fairly quickly, though. He genuinely liked both of the boys, but talking to Wyatt alone was not the same as interacting directly with him. He honestly longed to actually play a game, to pick up the building blocks and help the kids with their tower. He wanted to laugh and play with them the way the other adults in their lives did. Incessantly, he reminded himself that the tedium would be worth the outcome, but at times it was overly difficult.

On June 12, Phoebe gave birth to Honora. The birth was uncomplicated and both the mother and child were fine. Piper even, to Leo's protests, left the house to visit Phoebe and Nora in the hospital. She was still six weeks away from her due date, but both Leo and the doctor were worried that she might go into premature labor, as she had with Wyatt.

Cole had the pleasure of seeing both Phoebe and the baby three times as June turned to July and Piper grew larger and larger. The baby was gorgeous, though as she was Phoebe's Cole didn't think that it was possible for her not to be. She had a head of dark hair and bright blue eyes that Phoebe thought would turn brown later, as both she and the unmentionable were brown eyed.

"Prue had blue eyes," Piper reminded her. Then added, "I think she looks a little like Prue." And Phoebe had nodded. Cole wasn't sure he saw the resemblance; but perhaps once she got a little older.

Wyatt and Chris had both taken turns holding their cousin, Chris with an incredible amount of curiosity. He kept looking at Piper's stomach and asking, "Is this what my sister looks like?" The entire visit he kept touching Nora, holding her small hands and softly petting her head while Phoebe watched with scrutiny.

"I've never seen Phoebe so happy," Piper told Leo after one of the visits. Cole smiled, imagining what it would be like when he could finally hold Nora himself. He wanted to marvel at her with the same childlike innocence Chris had.

Existence seemed on the verge of being complete, and Cole had never been so eager or giddy as he was each day Piper's due date drew nearer.

Then one day after dinner, two weeks before Piper was due, Cole came into the kitchen to find Piper pale and trembling, and his happiness flew out the window. Suddenly, his plan had come to a crashing halt.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing related to _Charmed_. I also have nothing to do with the fabulous song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence.

**Setting:** July 2007

**Nothing I've Become**

_Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life_

-Evanescence, "Bring me to Life"

Piper held up a shaky hand that was covered in blood and Cole felt a sharp, piercing fear go straight through his heart. "Piper," he said, going to her, desperate to help her and not knowing how.

"Leo," said Piper, breathing heavily, and Cole shook his head. He had no idea where Leo had gone. The grocery store, perhaps. He hadn't been paying attention. Piper was panicked, Cole could tell, and when she tried to stand her knees gave out and she fell to the floor.

"Oh my God," said Cole, terrified. He looked around the kitchen, fearful, eager to find help, and finally realized there was only one person who would be able to hear him. Running from the room as quickly as he could, he skidded to a halt in the conservatory where Wyatt and Chris were playing. "Wyatt," he said, trying to stay calm. "Wyatt, you need to find your dad. You need to get him home now. Please."

Wyatt looked to the spot where Cole was standing, and for a moment Cole thought of begging the child to bring him to life now. He'd risk his plan, if it meant getting Piper safely to the hospital. But a moment later, Wyatt orbed out.

_Please, please don't let him be seen by the wrong people_, Cole prayed.

Cole rushed back to the kitchen and found that Piper had made a little progress toward the phone. The blood seemed to be everywhere and Cole had never felt quite so panicked in his life. Why did all of Piper's births have to be so dramatic?

Two more minutes dragged by before Wyatt orbed right into the kitchen, holding Leo's hand. "Leo," said Piper, still shaky, but somewhat relieved.

"Piper!" said Leo. He sounded as panicked as Cole felt. "Wyatt," said Leo, more sternly that Cole had ever heard, "go in the other room with your brother!"

Leo grabbed the phone off of the wall and dialed 911, crouching next to Piper and wrapping an arm around her. "Can you stand?" he asked, and Piper shook her head negatively. Leo kissed the side of her head. "It'll be okay," he said. "It'll be okay."

Piper didn't look like she believed him and Cole didn't either. What was taking 911 so long to answer?

"Hi," said Leo finally. Cole let out a sigh. This was almost too painful to watch. "My wife is pregnant and she's begun bleeding vaginally." There was a pause. "How long?" he said to Piper.

"At least fifteen minutes," said Piper through gritted teeth.

"At least fifteen minutes," Leo repeated to the person on the other end. There was another pause. "She's at thirty-eight weeks. This is her third pregnancy, but the second one was very difficult." There was another silence, and then Leo gave the address of the manor and hung up a minute later.

"It'll be okay," he said to Piper again, kissing her head.

"The boys," Piper reminded him.

"I'll watch them," said Cole, for a breathless moment forgetting that he wasn't really there.

"Paige will be fastest," said Leo, and Piper nodded. Cole's stomach plummeted for a moment. Victor was supposed to be there, not Paige. He thought it would be much more difficult to get away if Paige was babysitting.

Leo picked up the phone and dialed quickly, apparently getting through to Paige without problem. When he hung up again he said, "She's going to orb over. Henry's coming too."

A second later, Paige and Henry were standing in the kitchen too. Upon seeing Piper, all of the blood drained from Paige's face.

"Piper," she said, and Cole could tell she was fighting tears.

"The boys," said Piper again.

"They're in the conservatory," said Leo.

Paige nodded, but Henry squeezed her hand and said, "I'll go. You stay with Piper."

Paige nodded again, and crouched on Piper's other side, taking her right hand and holding it tightly. Cole watched helplessly, as close to crying as he had been in years.

"It's July eighteenth," said Piper, her breath hitching in pain.

"I know it's early," said Paige. "But not as early as Wyatt. You'll be okay."

Piper shook her head, and Paige kissed her hand.

"July eighteenth," she repeated. "Prue..."

Cole's eyes widened simultaneously to Leo's. Prue had died at the end of July, but it couldn't possibly have been the eighteenth. It was too horrible; too coincidental.

"Don't think about that right now," said Leo, but he sounded shaken by the thought too.

"What's wrong?" hissed Paige. Cole rolled his eyes. She never knew when to keep her mouth shut.

"Prue died..." began Piper, then she gasped in pain and shut her eyes tightly.

Leo looked significantly at Paige, who seemed to finally grasp what Piper had been trying to say and bowed her head, silent.

It seemed forever before the ambulance arrived, but it must have really only been ten minutes. Piper was hoisted onto a Gurney and wheeled from the house, Leo at her side every moment. The paramedics told him he couldn't go in the ambulance though, so he grabbed the car keys on his way out, promising Piper over and over that he'd be right behind her.

Once they were gone, Paige went back into the kitchen to clean up the blood before the boys had the chance to see it. Cole collapsed wearily onto a chair in the conservatory, watching as Henry cuddled Chris and Wyatt, trying to calm the scared children while hiding his own fear. After a few minutes Paige came back in and took Chris from Henry, holding him close. It was a helpless situation, and there was nothing any of them could do but wait.

Eventually, Paige told Henry that she needed to call Phoebe and Victor to let them know what was going on and Henry agreed, promising to play a game with the kids. They ended up playing Candy Land, though it was almost like two different games were going on at once since Wyatt was playing by the rules and Chris was making up his own. About eight turns in, Paige reappeared and made an overly cheery attempt to be interested in the game.

Cole took to pacing the house, not able to stand the facade of normalcy, staring at the various pictures scattered around the rooms and brooding. He wished Phoebe were there, for his sake, but she did not come. Truly, Cole wasn't surprised. Her child was only a month old, and she'd be no use here at present. Finally, he climbed the stairs to the attic and lay on the ground, waiting for the ring of the telephone.

The call finally came just before midnight. Eagerly, Cole ran downstairs and found Paige and Henry in the living room. Paige was sitting on the arm of the couch, holding Henry's hand, silent tears running down her cheeks.

_Not Piper_, Cole thought immediately. _And, oh, not the baby_.

Finally, Paige hung up the telephone and turned to Henry, tears still falling. "Is everything all right?" asked Henry. "Please tell me they made it."

"They did," said Paige, letting loose a sob. "They had to completely knock Piper out and do a c-section and a hysterectomy, but both she and the baby are okay."

"Thank God," said Henry, pulling Paige into his lap and hugging her fiercely. "I was so worried."

"So was I," said Paige. "But a hysterectomy–Piper's going to be so upset."

"Maybe it's for the best," said Henry. Cole privately agreed. Piper was so stubborn, he wasn't sure anything less than being physically unable would stop her from getting pregnant if she wanted to. "The doctors told her she shouldn't have any more children."

Paige nodded, and Henry wiped some of the tears from her face. "I think we need to go to bed," he said. "You're exhausted."

"I know," said Paige. "Leo said he would call Phoebe and Victor. He's going to spend the night. He wants to be there when Piper wakes up."

"Of course," said Henry. He stood, pulling Paige with him and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Paige turned off the lights and the couple disappeared upstairs.

Cole lied down on the couch and fell into a deep sleep.

The next day, Cole woke to the sounds of Paige, Henry and the kids in the kitchen and grinned so broadly it hurt. Today was the day. Today Wyatt was going to bring him back to life. Today he was going to feel Phoebe in his arms again. Today would be perfect.

"–visit Mommy and Daddy and your new sister today," Paige was saying to Chris and Wyatt as Cole entered the kitchen. "They're all going to be so glad to see you." She turned to Henry. "Are you sure it's okay that you took the day off?"

"It's fine," said Henry. "I know I don't do it often, but I _can_ take time off every once in awhile. Besides, I don't want you to have to handle two kids in a hospital by yourself."

"Phoebe will be there," said Paige, and Cole's heart leapt into his throat.

"Still," said Henry, "I want to see the baby too."

"Ah," Paige teased. "The truth comes out."

"What's the baby's name?" asked Wyatt.

"Prudence Melinda," said Paige, smiling.

Wyatt looked positively mystified, and didn't say anything further, Chris, however, grinned broadly and said, "Prue!"

Paige raised an eyebrow, and glanced at Henry, apparently unwilling to nickname Piper's baby until Piper said so herself. "Prudence, yes," said Paige.

Cole did wonder what they would call her. Prudence seemed too much for a little girl, but Prue, as Chris had so unknowingly suggested, seemed as though it would cut too close for comfort. Piper, he knew, was not as close to being ready for that as she thought she might be. Leo seemed to think so too (he had heard him discussing it with Phoebe once), but had not yet said anything to Piper so far as Cole knew. But what other nickname could there be?

Piper would have been horrified, but Paige and Henry left the breakfast dishes in the sink without even leaving them to soak in water. Neither of them questioned this, and Cole wondered what he would find if he went into their kitchen. Getting the kids ready also seemed to take much longer than it did when Piper and Leo were doing it, and they weren't ready to go until after ten.

Since they had orbed over, Paige had no choice but to orb them first to her apartment and then to drive to the hospital from there. Cole watched as they left, undeniably sad that he wasn't going too. The sadness had an underlying quality of cheer to it though, as he would no doubt be seeing Prudence for himself very soon. Once Wyatt came home, Cole would be on his way.

Quite unfortunately, positive thinking didn't alleviate boredom, and Cole nearly went out of his mind waiting for Paige and the kids to return. It had been a long time since he'd been alone in the manor and it was as dull as watching grass grow. The family didn't return until nearly two o'clock, and by then Cole was ready to scream in frustration. When he saw them, he actually did.

Leo was with them, though he didn't seem happy to be home. The last thing Cole wanted was for Leo to be home while he was using Wyatt to bring him back. Leo being absent had all been part of the plan. He cheered up again, though, when he realized Leo didn't intend to stay long. In fact, it seemed he had merely returned home at Piper's insistence that he take some time to freshen up. Leo said to Paige, more than once, that he was taking a quick shower and then returning to the hospital. Paige, quite forcefully, insisted that he sleep for at least a little while, and Leo finally, reluctantly, agreed. By the time he woke up it was dinnertime, and Leo stayed to eat with the family before leaving again.

Finally, Paige did something advantageous for Cole and put on a video for the kids to watch while she and Henry did the dinner _and_ breakfast dishes.

"Hey, Wyatt," said Cole, wasting no time once Paige left the room. "I heard about your sister. Congratulations."

Wyatt glared vaguely in Cole's direction and said, "Shh! I'm watching _Bob the Builder_."

Cole glanced at the TV and then back at Wyatt. He had to be careful here. He might only have one chance. "I just wanted to ask a favor, Wyatt," he said. "Then you can go back to watching your video."

"What?" asked Wyatt, disinterested.

"Be quiet!" whined Chris. Wyatt glared at his little brother.

"I was wondering, Wyatt, if you could make me visible. Bring me to life."

"Why?" asked Wyatt, sounding so much like Piper Cole almost wanted to laugh.

"Well, I'll be able to really play with you if you do," said Cole. He didn't want to imply that he was leaving the house in case Wyatt would refuse. Cole liked to think, perhaps egotistically, that he had come to mean something to the boy.

Wyatt seemed to consider this carefully. "Will you play fort?" asked Wyatt. It was his favorite game lately, but things had been too chaotic recently for anyone to find a great deal of time to play it with him. Or at least to keep Chris from accidentally knocking down the carefully constructed fort.

"Of course," said Cole. It wasn't a lie. He'd be Wyatt's uncle for real again soon, and they'd be able to play just as Wyatt played with Henry now.

Wyatt thought for a moment more. "Mommy won't be mad?" he asked.

"Wy-att!" Chris whined.

"No." Okay, _that_ was a lie. But she'd get over it. He thought.

"All right," said Wyatt. Cole's heart flew. It had worked! Wyatt was really going to do it. For a moment, Wyatt sat perfectly still, his eyes shut. Then he waved one of his arms. The air around Cole shimmered and he felt a cold wind. Wyatt opened his eyes and Chris was staring, no longer interested in the television program.

"Who's that?" asked Chris.

"Mr. Sillypants," said Wyatt. "He's going to play fort with us."

"I'm telling!"

"No!" said Cole, reaching out a hand toward Chris. Chris flinched away and glared at Cole, looking surprisingly like Prue.

"It's okay, Chris," said Wyatt.

Cole nodded in agreement and stood up. "I'll be right back," he whispered.

"Where are you going?" asked Wyatt.

"To the bathroom," said Cole, backing away from the boys. "I'll be back."

Wyatt and Chris both watched as he walked out of the room. As soon as he was out of sight, he ran for the front door, escaping into the early twilight as quickly as he could. Once he was a block away he paused, grinned, and patted himself on the back.

"I did it," he said. He laughed, loudly. "I did it!" he yelled. Across the street a man looked at him strangely, but Cole didn't care.

He had done it. He was free. And he was going to find Phoebe, even if it took all night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing related to _Charmed_. I also have nothing to do with the fabulous song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence.

**Setting:** July 2007

**Nothing I've Become**

_All this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems  
Got to open my eyes to everything  
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul  
Don't let me die here  
There must be something more  
Bring me to life_

-Evanescence, "Bring Me to Life"

By the time he had discovered Phoebe's address (thanks to a telephone book) and walked to her apartment night had fallen completely. It began to rain, lightly, but persistently, slowly soaking through his clothes and causing the natural curl in his hair to spring forth. None of it mattered, though, because he was so close. So very, very close. Tucking his hands into his pockets, he paused across the street from the apartment building and glanced up. Several the apartments were lit, the golden warmth of light illuminating windows and, in the uncovered windows, offering quiet views into their occupants' lives. Phoebe was in 2D. As his eyes scoured the accessible windows, he prayed he might catch a glimpse of her in one.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there, staring. Now that he was free–freer than he had ever been previously–he felt that he had all the time in the world. And, to tell the truth, he was a little nervous. Two months ago Phoebe may have expressed that she still loved him, but it wouldn't be easy for her to divorce her husband and come away with him. For weeks he had been trying to imagine her reaction; anything from jumping into his arms at the sight of him to fainting dead away to landing a right hook on his jaw. The fact that it was all fantastically, finally possible made him nearly tremble with excitement.

And then, there she was, in one of the lit windows. She stood, as graceful and beautiful as he had ever seen her, despite the fact that she was wearing nothing special: a pair of large, gray sweat-pants and a tank top, her hair falling loosely around her shoulders. He liked it long–how he had abhorred her short hair a few years ago–and he had always thought her natural color suited her.

"Phoebe," he said softly. He wondered if she smelled the same, if she still used the same shampoo, if her skin was as soft as he remembered. How had her body changed, now that she had given birth? Had she any new scars? Did her eyes still dance when she was aroused? For a moment he shut his eyes and imagined discovering her all over again.

She was staring out of the window, though he was certain she could not see much–could not see him–in the dark, rainy night. He wondered what she was searching for in the darkness. Her eyes must be probing the street for something; peering, straining to discover. Perhaps she was simply thinking or reflecting, trying to fix on some memory she couldn't quite recall. Maybe she was thinking about poor Piper and the new baby, silently thanking God that the birth had not been fatal. He, of course, could not see her eyes clearly from where he stood, but he thought that her stance was melancholy; nostalgic.

Suddenly, she turned so she was in profile to him and reached out her hands. Someone–Coop, his mind supplied unwillingly–had handed her the baby, and now she held her daughter close to her, cradling the girl on her shoulder. Tears filled Cole's eyes, unbidden; the scene was so beautiful, so precious. Once upon a time it could have been him in an apartment with the woman he loved, watching her with _his_ baby.

Phoebe kissed the child's head and rubbed her back, smiling, and Cole took a deep breath. Soon, soon it would be him in the scene with the mother and child. Someday with _his_ child, the one he knew he and Phoebe deserved after everything that had happened. And of course the baby, the little girl Phoebe held now, would be just as much his daughter. Even now he felt an unbridled love for the dark haired baby, simply because she was a part of Phoebe.

Soon, soon, soon, his heart sang. He was moments away from a lifetime of satisfaction.

Completely spoiling the picturesque moment, Coop walked into Cole's area of vision, reaching out a hand and resting it gently on the baby's head. Phoebe's smile grew, and she kissed the back of Coop's hand. With ease, a sense of complete belonging, Coop slowly drew both hands into the pockets of his pants and smiled broadly at Phoebe, who continued rubbing her daughter's back. To Cole's cold dread, Coop leaned in toward Phoebe and whispered something in her ear, causing Phoebe to throw back her head and laugh. Then he kissed her, once, twice, three times in quick succession on her lips. Phoebe said something–Cole watched her perfect lips move–and then both she and Coop moved away from the window and the light disappeared.

For a minute, Cole thought he might be sick right there on the sidewalk. As much as he was enjoying being a human again, it was one sensation he had not missed. The bile rose in his throat, but he fought it, closing his eyes and breathing hard.

She had...she'd looked...Cole swallowed hard and felt his eyes brim with tears. She had looked happy. Not superficially happy. There had been no sadness lurking beneath the surface. She had been genuinely, beautifully happy.

Unbidden, her conversation with Piper came back to him, taunting him:

_It's not like I would get back together with Cole if he suddenly waltzed back into my life._

But Piper had prodded, finally getting Phoebe to admit that she _didn't_ know if what she had said was true. But saying she didn't know what she would do if Cole came back wasn't the same as saying she'd take him back.

Why hadn't he admitted that before?

_I know that doesn't mean that they belong together, but the child deserves a chance to have its family_, Piper had said to him.

Cole turned and vomited into the shrubbery of the building he stood next to. He felt violently ill and foolish. He laid a hand on the wall of the building, trying to support himself. He'd been dreaming; a foolish, hopeless dream of the damned. Phoebe had never said she'd take him back. She'd never actually said it.

And she had loved Coop when she married him. She had said as much to Piper.

He was so stupid. He had seen Phoebe in a moment of weakness and nostalgia and raised his hopes to unfathomable heights. His plans seemed idiotic now. She was married. _Married_. And she had a child with the man. She wouldn't simply pick up and leave if Cole knocked on her door and smiled.

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" Cole screamed, the sounds ripped violently from his throat. He kicked the wall, fury welling up in him. "Fuck!"

And then his anger was gone, leaving nothing but an overwhelming, heartbreaking sadness. He sank to the ground, dropping his head against his knees and wept, utterly lost.

Maybe there was a one in a million chance that she would give him another chance if he went up there. Maybe she would decide he was worth it. And part of Cole, a large part, wanted to take that chance. Even if it meant rejection.

But...

He laughed in the middle of a sob, choking on it. But. After all this time, all this waiting, there was a but. He couldn't do it. He couldn't ruin that moment of bliss. He couldn't ruin that family. He loved Phoebe too much to cause her the pain.

He loved her so much he was finally going to do what he should have done years ago.

He was going to let her go.

There was nothing left for him here.

And as night fell into a gray morning, fog replacing the light summer rain, Cole stood and willingly walked away from the love of his life for the first time, miserable, but at least alive.

Yes. Alive. And at least that was something. Not much, but something.

He had to leave, he thought. He had to get away, far away, from Phoebe, because to be so close and not have her would be unbearable. Yes, leave. Fly, far away.

But even as the thought came to him he realized there was still one thing he had to do before he ran away. And he would do it, despite the risks.

Staggering slightly, Cole began to walk to the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing related to _Charmed_. I also have nothing to do with the fabulous song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence.

**A/n: **Thank you so much to all of those who reviewed. It really means a lot to me.

_Katie_

**Setting:** July 2007

**Nothing I've Become**

_Bring me to life  
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside  
Bring me to life_

-Evanescence, "Bring Me to Life"

The elevator doors opened and he stepped out onto the maternity ward, glancing around the waiting room as though someone he knew was going to appear at any moment. It was ridiculous of course; Paige and Henry were at home with the kids, he had just seen Phoebe and _him_ at their apartment, and Leo was undoubtedly with Piper.

Somehow he felt stronger now than he had when he'd finally risen and walked away from Phoebe forever. Then he had been numb; a moving body without a soul as opposed to the soul without a body he had been for years. His heart was still throbbing as though it had been ripped from his chest, but somehow his sense of purpose here made him calmer. Once he finished here, once he left this city, this family, for good, he supposed the senseless, numbing pain would return. But for now, he felt more grounded.

The nurse at the nurses station barely glanced at him as he came into the waiting room. There were a few people there who looked like they must be waiting for some family member to be born. The nurse probably assumed he was with them. He decided to ask one of the people in the waiting room first before resorting to the nurse.

"Hello," he said, his voice hoarse from screaming earlier.

The old couple he addressed looked up at him, curious, but gentle. There was a warmth coming from them that he hadn't seen directed at him (even if it wasn't _because_ of him, but extenuating circumstances) in a long time. "Hello," said the man. The woman nodded, acknowledging his greeting.

"My niece was born last night," said Cole by way of explanation. In spite of everything, he still did not feel that this was a lie.

"Oh, congratulations!" said the woman. "You're a first time uncle?" she asked with a smile.

Cole found himself smiling back, despite how he felt inside. "No," he said. "I have two nephews, also."

The old man chuckled. "This is our fifth grandchild," he said. "But it's just as exciting as the first time, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Cole. He thought of Wyatt and Chris at home, how acutely he loved them, and how much he would miss them. "I actually have to go out of town on business," Cole lied. "I'm going to be gone for three weeks, and I'm flying out this afternoon, so I wanted to come by and see her before I left."

"Oh, of course," said the woman. "Do you know where the babies are?"

"No, actually," said Cole. "That's why I came over, actually. I was hoping you could help me."

"Oh, yes," said the woman, nodding. "Charles, why don't you show him?"

Charles gave a long suffering sigh that didn't mean much coupled by his smile. "I'd be glad to," he said standing. Quietly, he led Cole past the nurses station and down a hallway. "To tell you the truth, it's nice to walk around for awhile," he said to Cole. "This waiting always makes me anxious." He glanced at Cole. "I'm Charles Thorton, by the way."

"Cole Turner," said Cole. "It's nice to meet you."

"Yes," said Charles. "Yes." He cleared his throat. "So is it your sister's girl or your brother's?"

"They're in-laws, actually," said Cole.

"Oh, you're married?"

For a moment, knowing it was simpler, Cole thought about lying and simply saying yes. But something compelled him to be truthful with this man, here at the end. "No. I used to be married, but my wife is gone."

"I'm sorry," said Charles, and he did sound genuinely so.

"I've actually been living with my sister and brother-in-law for awhile now," said Cole. "But I'm leaving soon. Moving out. It's time."

Charles smiled at him, but it was a sad smile this time, a pitying smile. They turned a corner and Cole saw a large window ahead. "Here we are," said Charles. They approached the window together and stared at the babies inside the room. "What's her name?" asked Charles.

"Prudence," said Cole, finding himself surprisingly choked up. "Prudence Melinda Halliwell."

"Prudence Halliwell?" said Charles in surprise. "I knew a Prudence Halliwell. She helped auction my late brother's estate years ago. Buckland's, was the place. Is the little one any relation?"

Cole started, shocked that here someone would make a connection to Prue, so long gone. He swallowed, hard. "She's named for her aunt," said Cole. "Prue died, six years ago."

"She died?" said Charles. "I–I didn't know. I'm so sorry. She was such a sweet girl. So warm. So nice." Charles' eyes widened. "She wasn't your wife?" he asked.

"What?" said Cole. For a moment he nearly burst out laughing. Married to _Prue_? "No! No. Prue was my sister-in-law, I suppose. She died before Phoebe and I were married."

Charles grasped Cole's arm, squeezing it firmly. "So much sadness in one family," he said softly. "I am sorry for that. But I'm sure your niece will still have plenty of loved ones."

"Yes," said Cole. "I don't doubt that."

Looking more intently now, Cole finally spotted Prudence, lying a few rows back from the window, very much awake. He smiled and leaned more closely to the window. "Do you think they'd let me hold her?" he mused.

"They might," said Charles. "You're family after all." Determinedly, Charles went to the door leading into the room and knocked loudly.

"Oh, that's okay," said Cole, suddenly alarmed. It was one thing to tell this stranger, who would certainly never speak to Piper, who he was and what he was doing here, but to tell a nurse would be dangerous. There was a much greater chance Piper could find out.

"Nonsense," said Charles. "I'm sure if you explain–"

"No, I just meant, you don't have to stay. I mean, I'm grateful for everything, really, but you must want to get back to your wife. You want to be there when you get the good news."

Charles looked at him curiously and Cole knew his dismissal was too abrupt, but Charles seemed to take it in stride. "Yes," he said. "I do want to be there." He clapped Cole on the back and smiled again. "Good luck," he said.

"Thank you," said Cole, silently praying the man would leave before the nurse opened the door.

Charles turned and began walking down the hall again, and was just turning the corner when the door opened. "Can I help you?" asked the nurse. She was young, which Cole thought might be an advantage.

"Hi," he said. "I was wondering if I might come in to see my niece. You see, I'm going out of town for quite awhile and I'd really like to see her before I leave." He tried to look innocent, smiling pleasantly like he had little care in the world.

The nurse looked at him skeptically. His clothes were disheveled and he was still wet from being out in the rain most of the night.

"Heh. Forgot my umbrella," he said sheepishly.

Finally the nurse smiled and gestured for him to come in after her. "I'll get your niece," she said. "What's her name?"

"Prudence Halliwell," said Cole.

"And your name?"

"Oh, uh, Henry Mitchell."

"Okay, Mr. Mitchell. Wait here please."

Cole watched her go, thankful that the lie had gone well. At least now, if they mentioned it to Piper, she wouldn't suspect him. He knew that if they mentioned it she would also freak out, knowing that it couldn't possibly have been Henry, but it wouldn't be connected to him.

The nurse returned a moment later, smiling broadly and holding Prudence. She was tiny: tinier than Cole remembered either Wyatt or Chris being (though Wyatt had been six weeks premature, so Cole was undoubtedly remembering incorrectly) and swaddled in a large pink blanket. She had dark hair and huge blue eyes. She looked similar to Nora, yet completely different at the same time. It was amazing. Gently, Cole took her from the nurse, holding her close to his chest.

It was the first time he had ever held a baby.

"Hi," he whispered softly as the nurse walked away. "Hi, Prudence. I'm your uncle Cole."

He bent, kissing Prudence's dark head and bouncing her a little. She weighed hardly anything. "You won't ever see me again," said Cole. "But I wanted to see you, just once. You're my only niece, you know."

Prudence made a noise and for a moment Cole was afraid she'd start crying, but she quieted again. "I really wanted to see your cousin too, but there was no way." He swallowed the lump in his throat. "She was going to be my daughter."

He kissed Prudence again, marveling at how soft her skin was. "So just a few words of advice from your would-be-favorite uncle. When Wyatt and Chris start orbing all over the place, remember that orbing is not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me, I've tried it. Try to cut your brothers and your cousin some slack if they ever date someone you don't like. Your namesake had a lot of trouble with that. Uh, let's see. Watch out for demons. Don't ever, ever use your powers in public. Your mom will warn you about that over and over, I'm sure. Speaking of, a good way to annoy your mom is to be picky about what you eat. That will drive her crazy. Oh, and most important, love is definitely worth it. I say it, and I'm sure your mom and dad will too."

Prudence stared at him and Cole watched fascinated, even as a tear slipped off of his nose and onto the baby's face. He would have given anything, absolutely anything, if once in his life he could have held a child that belonged completely to him, but that was a pipe dream now. Part of him, though, a large part, was thrilled that he had had this opportunity. Piper's kids–Wyatt, Chris _and_ Prudence–had all played a part in getting him out of his state of non-being. It felt right to be here, holding this baby.

"Oh, and remember, if you ever hear anything bad about me...well, a lot of it is probably true, actually. Still, remember I love you and your brothers and your aunt and even, I guess, your parents. But don't tell them I said so. Your mommy will never let me live it down." Literally, of course, if Piper ever found out he was here.

Kissing her one more time, Cole looked up and found the nurse across the room, watching him curiously. She seemed fascinated by his interaction with the baby, though he knew she hadn't heard a word he had said. Cole walked up to her and gently deposited Prudence back into her arms. "Thank you," he said softly, and he left the room without looking back.

When he reached the waiting area he pushed the button on the elevator and waved to Charles and his wife, still waiting for news of their grandchild. The ride down to the ground floor and the walk outside rejuvenated him slightly. The fog had dissipated, but the morning was still gray and cool.

Now what?

He supposed the answer was simple. Leave San Francisco, put the Halliwells behind him once and for all, and start over elsewhere. He could do it. He was nothing if not resourceful.

Years ago, when he had come back from the dead after the girls had vanquished him the first time, he had gone after Phoebe relentlessly, leading to his inevitable death. Life hadn't been worth living without her.

But death had been just as bad. That half-existence. Forced to watch the people he loved without interacting. It was much worse in some ways.

Now, he supposed, he had struck a compromise. Life–a body, no powers, his soul in tact–was finally his own, but he didn't have Phoebe. And years ago he would have found it unbearable. Unlivable.

But now he thought maybe some kind of life was better than no life, even if it meant living without love.

Wasn't it?

Well, it was for him to figure out. And he would, one way or another. What conclusion he would reach he wasn't sure, but at least now he had a chance.

For once he was going to choose his destiny. If it meant finding some happiness without Phoebe, so be it. If it meant life was too unbearable without her, he'd end it himself. And this time he could.

With that thought to cheer him, Cole walked away from the hospital, ready to find out just what he could or couldn't become.

-_Fin_-

**A/n: **Once again I've thwarted Phoebe and Cole. I guess I just can't help myself. However, I do promise that this story arc will eventually pay off for those of you patient enough to stick with me. Right now I have several more stories planned for this universe.

Look for the third part of this tale, _Reaching for You_, soon. I've already begun writing a skeleton of the story, so it shouldn't be too long before I post it. The story will deal with what happened to Cole after _Nothing I've Become_ and some help he receives from an unexpected source.

As it's Cole I'm dealing with, all roads do lead to Phoebe in the end.

Thanks for reading.

_Katie_


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